Suicide Silence

“A Suicide consultant’s Dairy”

My heart was beating fast. I’m in a situation where I need to get out of deep shit. I was thinking about a way out and the only way in front of me is very dark. I know there will be light at the end of the tunnel but some how I wish let that light be a train which is destined to smash me down. I actually started thinking about how to commit suicide.  I thought of hanging myself, but I was not ready for the pain. I wanted to end it in a second and just get out of this frustrating world. I don’t want my body to be dirty looking, so I cancelled my plan to jump off the roof or a gun shot. I need to write a suicide note. I need to tell this world how much I loved. How much I cared. How much I missed. I need to tell this world, how much I wanted or may be needed. I also wanted to say that it is all because of my incapability and I’ve no one to blame. I was not there when the time was right. May be everything will turn good in the next life. I cannot take it anymore I actually started searching for a good suicide note sample in google. I was tired and I closed my eyes and I still can remember the internet screen which flashed the meaning of suicide. It was a while ago.

Suicide (Latin suicidium, from sui caedere, "to kill oneself") is the act of intentionally causing one's own death. Suicide is often committed out of despair, the cause of which is attributed to a mental disorder such as depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, alcoholism, or drug abuse.[1] Stress factors such as financial difficulties or troubles with interpersonal relationships often play a significant role.[2]

Over one million people die by suicide every year. The World Health Organization (WHO) estimates that it is the 13th leading cause of death worldwide[3] and the National Safety Council rates it sixth in the United States.[4] It is a leading cause of death among teenagers and adults under 35.[5][6] The rate of suicide is far higher in men than in women, with males worldwide three to four times more likely to kill themselves than females.[7][8] There are an estimated 10 to 20 million non-fatal attempted suicides every year worldwide.[9]

I was not browsing meaning of suicide in the Wikipedia for fun or I want to commit this heinous crime. I was searching for myself. Today I completed perfect five.  Today fifth person in last 2 years have called me just to say He/She is going to commit suicide. Do I look like a suicide consultant or something?  Why the hell do these people call me up when they decide to suicide? I have to do everything to save their lives.  Who am I to save the world? Why am I preventing them from committing suicide? Is it that I love them very much or I just don’t want the cops to trace the last call and come to me?

What ever may be the reason I hate the idea of suicide. It is for the cowards.  These people have no balls to face the world as it is.  They just want to run away from life through a short cut. I hate these people but still it creates a void in your life when they are gone.  They have made a place in my heart already and even the thought of not able to talk to them is killing me. I was confused and worried for the first time and had no idea what to do to stop the suicide. It never got easy even today as I completed my fifth successful suicide prevention. Every time they call me up and say something like this I somehow what to teleport myself near to them.

First call of suicide attempt came from Bangalore. It was very late in the night and I was in Mumbai. I had no idea what to do.  I was worried for my friend. He was drunk to the hell. He had a knife in his hand and he was inside the bathroom. He was crying like a baby. I tried to convince him that, life is not just about a girl. Just having a bad relationship is no reason to end your life. I gave all gyan I could give to him. But it was as if I was speaking to a wall. It all entered a deaf ear. He said he is cutting his hand off. I wanted to tell him, that it is not the way to suicide; you don’t need to cut off your hands. You should better watch some old Hindi movies dude.  I knew it was not time for fun. But it always happens to me, something funny thoughts come to my mind when something serious is happening.

I was in Mumbai and my friend is to commit suicide miles away in Bangalore. I had no option other than to call some other friend of mine in Bangalore. I called up a friend and asked if he knew where our hero resides. Answer was negative.  I had to keep talking to my friends in one phone and restrict him from doing anything foolish with the other phone. I had to find a help for him. I tried few numbers and no one picked up the phone at 2 in the night. Then I had to call her. I knew she will help me. I called her and told her the story.  She called up one of my other friend to help him.

By the time the other phone got disconnected.  What can I do now? I was successful till now because I was talking to him and now the phone is disconnected and I tried calling him multiple times and I had no success.  It was tense moment. I had no idea what is happening miles away in Bangalore.  I kept trying his number and no one picked up the phone.

After 90 minutes I got a call from the friend who went to help him. He told me that my friend is safe and he just dozed off due to the amount of alcohol he had consumed.  He was lying down in the bathroom with a knife in his hand and was totally out. I asked him, how you managed to get inside the house. He jest smiled for my question and told everything is fine and cancelled my call.

Next morning my friend regained his consciousness and called me by 8 O’ Clock and I was very sleepy when he called.  I was happy that he is calling me that he is fine and I’ve managed to save a human life. The call didn’t go the way I expected it to go. He was shouting at me. I asked him to cool down and asked him, what is wrong and he told me that, my friend had broken the French window to get inside his house and the land lady is asking for the replacement and also has asked him to shift his residence.  I’ve saved his life but couldn’t save the roof above his head.

Next call was from my phone friend. We have never met. We always talk to each other on phone only. This kind of relationship was there before also but never lasted this long. She is a 19 year old catholic girl. I don’t know why I talks to her so much. May be it is like people smoking when they wait for someone. I like to talk to her when I’m free. Sometimes she really gets into my nerves and we fight and cancel our call. Things changes with time and we usually start talking again. Things were normal and good till that day when she called me up to say she is going to commit suicide.

She was crying and I had no way to console her. I tried my best and she was going to gulp down the rat poison. I was worried about her call details which police will track and get to me. I was also worried about her family. What will they do to kill rats, if she eats up all the rat poison? I’m sorry my readers, this thing always happens to me. I think too much and loose track of what I’m supposed to concentrate. Her problem is different. She just wanted to suicide just because her mom scolded her for coming late to home.  I tried to convince her that, parents are scolding her for her own benefit. She was not ready to accept what I was telling her. I also told her I knew she will never do anything wrong and her mom will also understand that. I also know where you were and you were talking to me. I’ll come down to your house and will talk to your mom. Now don’t do anything stupid. Before I could complete my sentence her dad came in and she had to cancel the call. 

I was afraid to call her back. I had no idea what is happening at her side.  She didn’t call me the next day also. I was getting restless. I was very sure that the police are on their way to get hold of me and question me. I was mentally preparing statement and was planning what to say to the cops so that I get out of this shit. I took the phone and decided to call her up but was afraid what if she is dead and someone else picks up the phone during her funeral. To my relief she called me up. I wanted to blast at her. Why the hell she didn’t call me for last 24 hrs. Before I could say anything she started shouting at me. She asked me why I didn’t call her. She told me that she wanted to talk to me and she had no balance in her mobile. She kept on speaking for next 20 minutes.  I was not concentrating on what she was speaking. I was happy for the fact that she is alive.

When the third person called me up for her suicide attempt, she was standing over an 11 floor building and was planning to jump of to death. This is very serious. Even if she doesn’t jump, she can fall down accidently and die. She told me she doesn’t want to see the next sunrise. I wanted to tell her to sleep a bit longer and wake up late so she doesn’t have to see the sunrise.  Why the fuck am I thinking all these? She is standing in a dangerous position and I was thinking what if she doesn’t die and her BF will have to marry a handicapped. Let’s hope that she doesn’t become handicapped. As such I don’t like her physical appearance to be my friend’s GF. It will be bad for him if she become handicapped also. Why do these kinds of thoughts always come to me when I’m in a serious situation? I need to save this life. I’m getting expert in this.  I think this is a good career opportunity. I can make a living out of it. I even thought of a tagline for the same.

Oh! God I’m going mad. I told her what ever she feels is not true and your relationship will be good and great. I even told her that she is the best girl in the world and I’m jealous of my friend because he has a GF like her. I suddenly realized that I’m getting bad at telling lies. Will any one who is actually jealous of someone, admit it? I need to brush up my lying skills. I some how told her to get off the terrace and get back home. I talked the whole night with her. She was crying and speaking and I was listening to everything.

Somehow I was successful in saving one more life. I’ve analysed the thinking mentality of any one who need to commit suicide.  They will never ever call me if they really want to commit suicide. It is just that they want to talk. They are just using me to talk? They are calling me because they think I can save them or they just want some fool to listen to them?

 I’ve decided not to be a fool anymore but I cannot hold to the promise I made to myself.  Fourth person who called me up and told she wanted to suicide was someone I ever expected to be.  She was always a brave girl and I admired and respected her for her individuality and personality she displays. I was totally shattered to get this kind of a call from her. I received same kind of call twice in two weeks time from her and it was difficult for me to save this life. I thought I was an expert in this. I never got any funny thoughts when she was talking to me. I was so tensed like never before.  She really took me to the edges. I was never like this before.

I actually could feel the situation she was in. I was having sympathy for all my friends who called me before but in her case it was empathy. I was actually in her shoes and I could feel the pain she was going through. This story will not be completed in two or three paragraphs. I need to go back in history and tell you about who she is and why her call had made me go through a rough phase. I will tell you about it in a different blog. The best part was that I was successful in helping her to be alive. That is how I completed my perfect five.

Things were getting into proper shape. I never felt it will go wrong so badly. Everything I planned went upside down and I had no idea how to get out of this shit. I always felt suicide is for cowards. Then why the fuck I even thought about this option to get out of this troubled life. I’m not a coward; I hate people who commit suicide.  I know all theoretical things but still I don’t want to live in this world anymore. I want to end this stupid life. It is not taking me anywhere.  Time is taking a toll my life. I’m no more interested in life. I don’t even look at those hot pant clad girls in Mumbai. I’ve lost interest in girls too. I think it is serious. I need to die now. If I live more I would be a burden to earth.

I need to be free from all troubles. I want to die. I hope there is no after life.  I want to be pushed to the darkness. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I want to be isolated. Why am I getting all these negative feeling. I don’t know. Only thing I know is I’m fed of this life and want to end it. I need a break. Break from everything.

I took the medicine box of my roommate and took one medicine from every strip and mixed it with the phenol and some Harpic. I have no idea what will be the effect of this. To be on a safer side I also got a coke and a mentos. I mixed everything and made a solution. I drank it bottoms up. I also took the knife along with me, just in case if the drugs couldn’t do the trick. I was feeling dizziness and I slowly went to bed. I’m sure will wake up to a heaven or may be to hell. I hated people who do suicide and now I’m doing the same thing. I lost my consciousness and slowly I slept. I never knew suicide was silent. I could feel the bright light beams getting into my eyes like those supernatural movies I’ve seen. I’m near to death. I tried to smell death. It was cold and I could feel I’m loosing it. I just don’t remember anything after that.

I woke up from my death. Things have not changed much. I’m still in my apartment on the 7^th floor, Lower Parel, Mumbai. I looked back to my bed to see my dead body lying down on my bed. Oh! my God, there is no dead body. What the fuck, I’m still alive? It was paining like hell in my stomach and I had to literally run to toilet. I’ve got a loose motion. This was real shit. Now I know what you should be done if you are suffering from constipation.

I realized the fact that I’m not dead and I’m very much alive. Something interesting is happening to me now. I can listen to what people are thinking. That is a wonderful thing to have. It has its bad effect also. I never knew it till I experienced it myself. I enjoyed this power for 8 days. Those were the most miserable 8 days of my life. Wait for the next blog “A Guy who could hear your Mind” 

Friends please don't take things seriously. It is just a blog. I've used real life incidents, but I've no intentions to hurt anyone of you. I'm still happy that you guys are alive. You still can call me if u feel miserable anytime in future. I wish you never get those feelings again. 

COUGAR

We were in the Landmark, the book store. I was enjoying every moment with her in the comfort of the sofa in Landmark. We were talking, or may be she was talking and I was not bored with the same things she was speaking when we used to talk on phone. Even while I was going through the books in the shelf near-by, I was also checking out the sales girl out there. She was in her smart blue t-shirt. She was really cute.  I was continuously looking at her and was not actually listening to what Shilpa was speaking.  Shilpa kept her hands over my shoulder and it was reflex action that I pushed her hands away. What was wrong with me? I just got a flashing memory of my first love. It’s been long 8 years now, after our relationship had ended, but I still don’t want anyone to do what she used to do.

She used to keep her hands over my shoulder and I hated it so much that I always pushed her hands off my shoulder. She used to love that and did it over and over again. I was 18 then and was afraid of public display of affection. I don’t know whether keeping a hand over my shoulder qualify for pubic display of affection. I’ll tell her story one day. It was an old fashioned love story where we actually wrote love letters as there were no affordable mobile services in those days. But yes I was in love with her like anything. I couldn’t imagine anyone other than her. But things didn’t work out the way it had to. Shilpa asked me what is wrong with me and I told nothing. I got the flashes of my first love just as she kept her hands over my shoulders. It’s been 8 years and still I’ve not moved on.

Shilpa is a good friend of mine and I’m here to discuss some important decision in my life with her. I was in total soup and was planning to marry a girl whom I met a year back in Mumbai through a common friend. I wanted to talk about this relationship to Shilpa as there is no one here in Mumbai whom I could talk about this relationship.  I’ve no idea how I’ll convince my parents for this relationship.  I actually sat down to write down the positives and negatives of this relationship. The list of negatives over shadowed list of positives I made. I still wanted to be with her. Is it just the physical thing that is binding me to this relation?  My friend Kashy always says “Think with your brain not with your Dick”. I tied to convince myself that I’m thinking with my brain and I concluded that, if you think Heart is Dick, then yes, I’m thinking with my heart. I was lost in thoughts when Shilpa shook me up. “Come on lets grab a coffee”

When we were in the coffee shop, I was back in to my senses and Shilpa asked me to narrate my story from the beginning.  Taking a sip of my coffee I started my narration.

We met in a party of a common friend. It was casual and she looked much younger to her age. I was surprised to know that she was in the top management. I did get surprised and asked her age and she just told me that she was 79 born. This is real shit; I was flirting with a girl who is 5 years elder to me. Some how age difference between us doesn’t matter as I had no plan to marry her. I just continued flirting with her. First meeting was eventless if you remove that, she actually told me her age in our first meeting.   Next Saturday she called me up and asked if I was free in the evening. As usual I was always free for a beautiful lady. We went out to a pub with her friends and she wanted me to be with her as the couple entry is free. We partied whole night and we parted our ways in the early morning.

Things continued like this for some time and one day I was actually with her in her bedroom. There was no need to talk and she perfectly knew what was happening when my hands were under her top moving around her bosoms with our lips locked. It was so wonderful and beautiful. When I got up in the morning she was already up and made coffee for both of us.

I had no idea, she had a surprise in store for me after that wonderful night. We  were never alone like this and had never talked much about our families. That Sunday morning threw me a surprise that she was a divorcee.  I always knew I was not in the right track and I should stop being with her. Somehow I couldn't control myself and I kept meeting her every week. Phone calls became an integral part of our relationship. Our relationship moved above the physical barrier and we actually considered getting married. I always wanted to marry a rich girl. She is already rich and in top management and earning five times my salary. What else could I ask for? Financially I’ll become very strong the moment I marry her.

I was confused. All logic says I should not marry a divorcee who is five years elder to me. I knew all the pros and cons but still my heart says I should make a life with her.  My parents will be against this but at the end they will also agree to what I want. I will be staying almost 350 days in a year away home so it should not matter much to my parents. I was making points to convince myself. I’m here with Shilpa to get her views on this relationship. I didn’t want to tell anyone in Mumbai about her as they all know her and I don’t want people to look at her in a different way.

She was speechless and patiently listening to what I was saying.  She held my hands and looked at to eyes and asked me what is wrong with me? Why are you doing this? Getting married to a divorcee, five years elder to me just for money? I interrupted her and told that, I was not getting married for money. I love her and wanted to live with her. Shilpa didn’t talk for a minute and she started speaking.

You will have to face lot of ego issues as she is earning more than what you are earning. Even though she is in a different organization she is in the top management and will climb up much higher in the organizational ladder very soon. She is already in her thirties and would not be sexually active for much long. I’m not saying sex is everything, but it has a very important role in the relationship.  If she is not sexually active after sometime you may look out to satisfy yourself, which will definitely created some problem in the relationship.  You are not the first one to have such a relationship. Even Sachin Tendulkar has such a relationship, where his partner is elder to him. They are having successful married life but not every such relationship need to be successful. You should be logical in making a life changing decision. I would suggest you should think again about this marriage stuff and take a logical decision.

I already knew all these things but she lectured me about it as she was an expert in cougar relationships. My readers, please don’t read the below points I’ve noted from our conversation if it doesn’t encourage you. It was a boring lecture. 

Older woman with younger man romance or marriage is not a matter of awe anymore. Many men have found love, harmony and happiness with older women. Nowadays age is no more a criteria when it comes to matters of the heart. Earlier that was not the case and the woman involved in such a relationship was considered a ‘cradle snatcher’. Actually what makes guys attracted to older woman? The below mentioned may be some reasons or benefits of having an older woman as partner.

Maturity and Confidence: The older women bring a sense of maturity and confidence into the relationships. Older Woman has more experience with men and is more stable compared with younger women and men feel more comfortable with them. Young women tend to be more fickle minded compared to mature women. Mature women know what they want and are much responsible in handling relationship. Older women by default bring more life experiences into the relationship and therefore nurture the growth of their partner without trying to be in command of the relationship.

Older women are taboo: This factor makes young men attracted to them. Our Society is used to see older men and younger woman more than the other way round and thereby offer more acceptance to such relationships. The normal tendency of people is that they want what they cannot have or what is a ‘forbidden fruit’.

Lesser Competition: Young women may have several men chasing after them. Older women offer an alternative. Also to an older woman a young man feels more attractive and boost to her ego that she tends to shower her attraction on him. Also there are many liberated and attractive older women known colloquially as ‘cougars’ hunting for younger guys in places like the internet or bars looking for some fun life of a single and are easily available.

Taking Charge: Young men do not have much experience with women and may not know what to expect with women. And it helps to have ‘take charge’ kind of women as a partner who has already been in the same situation earlier. Many people also agree to the fact that sex gets better with age and getting an experienced partner is considered a plus because older women know what they want and they have experience towards pleasing a man. Older Woman also mostly takes care of the fact that they don’t get pregnant by using contraceptive pills to protect them.

Intelligent and Confident: People gain more confidence as they grow older. Many young men find older woman attractive as tend to be less superficial. A conversation with an older woman can be interesting and intellectual whereas majority of younger woman tend to be silly, immature and sometimes shallow.

Independence: Majority of Older women is financially independent and has successful careers. Men like it when his partner is self-sufficient and self-supportive and don’t need him to take care of her.

The need for Mothering: It is said that all males have a child in them. An Older woman can easily fulfil that need in them.

Attraction and Love: While some may find it odd that some young man surrounded by girls his age would find an older woman attractive. This is because they many older women are attractive and may even find romance or love in them. How many men can resist 40+ women like Uma Thurman or Mimi Rogers or the Indian actress Maduri Dixit?

I had no idea what she was talking and only thing I could understand is that, I should not go ahead with this relationship. Now the real trouble is that how can I tell her that, I want to move out of this relationship? Why my relationships die so young? Will I be able to live without her? I’m not a person who will forget things so soon and can move on.  Even after 8 years I can feel my first love. May be they are right that love happens only once and rest everything is just an adjustment. Has it already happened to me or is it yet to happen?

I could have send her a SMS and told her it is over or could have called her up and told her. I always knew that I will not be able to speak it so easily when she is in front of me. I went back to old days. I actually sat down to write a letter. I wrote my mind and my decision in the letter. I walked to her house with the letter in my hand. I was tensed as a girl who is about to be kissed by her first extra marital affair. I was walking ahead with a heavy heart and decision that I’ve taken.

When I rang the door bell my fingers were shaking. My fears and tension vanished away as the door was opened. There were lot of people inside the house. I was confused what was happening and at the same time I was tensed that anything wrong had happened to her. I was relived when I saw her. She offered me a drink and I realized the party was hosted to celebrate her decision to marry again. I was shocked to know it. When the party was over and everyone was gone she came and sat next to me. We didn’t talk for few seconds and she started speaking.

Love happens only once and I was in love with my BF whom I married. There were some differences and we divorced and now he has realized his mistakes and has come back and wants me as his wife again. I enjoyed every moment with you, but I just cannot forget my first love. I didn’t know what to say. I hugged her tight and told her I love her and I walked out. I still had the letter in my hands. I was walking in the lonely streets all alone when my hands shaped the letter to a paper plane and I launched it high and saw it landing over the dump yard.

I was walking in the moonlight and my mind was blank when I felt a hand over my shoulder and I was surprised to see my first love standing next to me. I started walking again and she kept her hands over my shoulder and kept walking along. I knew it cannot be the truth and I was dreaming. Somehow I didn’t want to wake up from this dream and walked along with her.

A Girl Who Sends me SMS

                                                                                                                                                               Co-Authored with Sakshi Dogra

'A Decoder to Girly SMS'

Sir this is Tanvi from Sity bank, we are offering you cash back card. The voice from the other side kept on informing about the details and specifications of the offer her company is providing. I was least interested in the offer but I liked her voice and flirted a bit with her and was enjoying the response. The phone calls became quite regular for me as I had become her favorite client who was more interested in her, than the credit card offer. One day I received sms saying “wats up?” From unknown number and before I could ask who it is. I got another sms saying “Tanvi remember the Sity back girl”. From that day she kind of became my sms girl. We shared a lot of things on sms from her college pranks to my holiday plans. One day she told me that she is moving to Mumbai and has found a PG for herself. I asked her about the location and if the room was good.  She replied

“Hey ghar to sahi hai inlogo ka… N his wife is also here. So no prob…. Lol…..Al is wel…. N thanks 4 cuming wid me….. :-)”

“When did I drop you there?”

“Sum tym u cn b wid someone widout actually being there…”

“All is well? That is what I was going to ask you. But your typing speed is too good u responded before I could even ask u. U think the same way as I do.”

Even before I could keep my mobile back into my pocket, she messaged me a smiley “(J)” I had no idea, what it meant. I supposed, she was happy or smiling.  I never used similes in my messages.

“Hahahahaha… I hv gud typin sped dats y lol……”

“You really have good typing speed or maybe it is easy for you as you don’t type whole word or don’t care about the spelling.”

“(>_<)”

That was what I received as an answer to my reply. I had no idea what to reply to that message. Then to my relief there came another message from her side.

“Lemme knw whn u reach…..”

“Where am I reaching?”

“U wil hv 2 reach home after dropping me??? Hahahaha  :P”

“Why are you staying there? You could have stayed with me as my roommate is out of town. Only thing you need to take care is to have a pepper spray to keep me out”

Just after I sent the above message I got the reply from her “J lol”. Thank God I was aware of that abbreviation. After that we exchanged few more SMS and half of the lingo she was using was going above my head.

“:-D ill come in d mrng at 6 or 6:30 so dnt keep ur phone on silent… J”

“Are you really coming to meet me”

“:-P, I just want to say, I’ll cal u tom”

I woke up so early in the next morning. I took a bath and was ready, as if I was going for a date. I had no idea, why I was behaving like this.

Our SMS trail kept on going for days with all those Santa Banta Jokes, which actually didn’t make me laugh. I just sent back reverts like, nice one, gud one, Ha ha ha.. etc. . But I became used to the sms way of life. By the Valentine’s Day she had forcefully made me update her name in my contact list to the “Best Girl in the World” Her message “Happy Valentine dayJ” is stored in my inbox with that name. If I had all her messages in my inbox, I could have narrated a story in SMS itself.

 “Mrng.. R u goin 2 office? Leme knw whn u r free 2day ill call u…”

“Got free?”

“u dere :-/”

These kinds of messages became a routine. I too developed the habit of her sms that I started checking my phone after every now and then to see any sms from her.

“got free? I got d best thing of my life today J m on cloud 9 :D”               

Normally such messages are interoperated as if the person has cracked the best deal, has got some job, or has made his dream come true. I was anxious and excited to know what was happening in her life. So I called her up

“whts up?”

“Thank god u called I m so happy to have finally found the exact pair of shoes I wanted for so long m on cloud 9”

For a moment I was confused whether to  laugh or to get irritated but may be this was the thing about her which always made me talk to her more and look forward for her sms.

“congrats”

“why you sarcastic aren’t you happy to know this?”

Why should I be happy but I replied “Ya I am really very happy” and with this I learnt one thing what girls expect us guys to be like, that if she is happy for any reason you got to be happy at least sound happy.

Our SMS life was at its peak that sometimes we spent entire day messaging. Once I told her that I was going on a date next day. She was so excited about the idea of me going on a date. She kept on telling me to do and not to do list. She was dressing me up through phone, even though she had not seen me even once. As always I was late for this date too.

I extended my hands to held her hand and I had to take it back as there was an sms beeping in my mobile

“Cal whn free… J ”

I was so excited to see her. She was looking gorgeous. I was lost in her beautiful eyes.

“So hws it goin :D”

I was talking to my date and at the same time I had to message back to Tanvi .

“What r u doin?”

“We are just talking”

“Wht are u talking :P”

I decided to ignore her sms for a while and to my surprise my inbox was filled with 20 sms in 5mins which read

“Y anit u replying >_<”      

“She is more important now”

“Still nt done >_<”

“Hmmm f9 huh >_< call up if u guys are done”

And many more I replied her “ill call you in 20 mins” which I totally forgot looking at my date and my inbox kept showering with Tanvi’s messages.

“Hmmm.. M waitin cal up as soon as u finish.”

“R u done nw…”

“Gud nyt… >_<;”

By now I have understood one thing whatever is the matter but a smiley like “>_<” is a danger sign so I called her up straight and I was right she was angry on me as I didn’t call her or messaged her in the time I had told her. I marked it as a point never to give time limit to a girl or to make sure to inform her to avoid her rage. I said sorry even though I felt that I was not at the fault but that brought a smile on her face and she was normal but the thing I learnt here is say a 'sorry' even if u didn’t do anything strange but fact. She was eager to know everything about my date from the starting without skipping any details. I was excited to tell her how my date went and she was whole ears to me.

But she ruined everything in the end saying that my date is not my kind of a girl. I should stop dating her. I was not going to listen to Tanvi. But after 3 months when I broke up with her, Tanvi just send me a message.

“Finally huh”

I had no idea what to do and she was all there to give me strength.

“Yo babes”  (Dear reader’s don’t confuse it for my msg, it is Tanvi’s message”)

“Pls cal me whn u r free..”

“U alive..”

“:-/”

“Knock on my phone once u r free… if pos….. J enjoy”

“Hey.. nyt if u sleepin…”

I have got a hell lot of reminder from her phone to call her back. I was sleeping and had no idea that my phone is getting a sms shower. If you receive any message like the above one, it doesn’t mean a good night wish, it is just an order for you to call her back. But unfortunately I woke up in the morning only. I send a good morning wish to her with a sorry attached to it.

“I dnt want 2 talk 2 u”

“N u seem to b very busy dat u have forgot to smile so here is one J tc”

“^.^,  ^0^,  *^.^*,  ~.~,  :-)   :-D, :-P, :-!, T.T, =). :^), 8-), :@,:-S,  :-X, :-\ :-D J”  I sent her all smiles I knew

“Just saw ur msg n smild lyk anythin misd u dearJ”.

 “You just smiled?”        

“Nt just smiled but smild lyk anything dere is a difference.. lol….”

I was amazed with this girl and was wondering how small things matter so much for a girl I reverted with a smiley and never knew these smileys will play such an important role in a girl’s life. One day I received a very disturbing message from her whose background she never explained to me.

“Sry didn’t pick ur phone my lyf has finished….. I dnt know whether il b able 2 cal u guys m sry luv u guys…”

I was so worried for her. I called her many a times and she never picked my call. But the next day she called me up and everything was suddenly alright. It became so normal after that. I use to send her some quick messages when I was in office. (Guys this is very important to send message to your girl even if u are very busy, just to show her that you are always thinking of her.)


One day her messages stopped coming suddenly she vanished in the thin air. Life became miserable for me. I lost my sleep. I really wanted to talk to her or badly wanted an SMS from her. I need to trace her down. Where did she go? I took help from one of my friend in a telecom company. I asked him to get the details of this number. He couldn’t help me for a week and after lots of bribing and contacts one day he managed to get the details. I got the address and decided to go there and find her. It was a very beautiful villa..She is a rich girl. When I walked up to the gate, the guards stopped me and asked me, why I was there. The gates just opened in front of me when I said I am here to meet Tanvi . I could feel the energy; I could feel that, I was getting close to Tanvi. Her mom took me upstairs. I had no idea what was in store for me. When we entered her room, I could almost see an ICU. I cannot believe my eyes that I was seeing Tanvi in a bed ridden state. I was confused and could not understand what was happening. I just looked at her face and stood motionless and came to senses when I realized the door behind me closed. I was all there near Tanvi and the house nurse came up to me and asked am I alright and I didn’t say anything and asked the nurse, what happened to Tanvi and she told me that Tanvi met with an accident 9 months back and is in coma from that time. I couldn’t believe my ears. How can she be in coma for 9 months and still send me SMS. I walked to the study table at the corner and took the mobile kept there and dialed my number from it. It was the same number but WHO WAS SENDING ME THE MESSAGES!!! I kept the mobile back on the stand and when I just turned towards Tanvi, my mobile beeped and the message read,

“Thanks for coming to meet me J”

AN UN-OFFICIAL, OFFICIAL TRIP

(A Travelogue, A Book Review... What ever u Call it)

It was a pleasant morning. I was ready for my long day of work. Today I’ve to travel about 250 Km, to a remote Village, finish my job there and get back home. It will be different from the corporate office where I work. Any city other than Mumbai, will be slow and less vibrant. In this case, I’m not even going to a city, but to a remote village in Maharashtra. My colleague will pick me up from Mira Road. We will be driving his car from there, but to reach there, I’ve to travel one hour in train. As soon as we took a deviation from Mumbai-Ahmedabad Highway, the topography changed drastically. The roads resembled the small Panjayath roads in Kerala. My watch depicted time as 10:10, like any wrist watch advertisement. I’ve started my day by half past seven in the morning and still we have not reached our destination.

My colleague and I were talking many things till we reached our destination. We discussed about the new book I was reading.  I almost narrated the whole story of “The Immortals of Meluha”.  I was so excited that I even narrated the Sequel of the book (“The Secretof the Nagas”), till where I’ve read.  We talked about Amish Tripathi, the author who preferred to use only his first name so that he can show his real intend to fight against discrimination of caste and creed. Amish was an IIM Grad who took a strange decision to quit his promising banking career to become an author.  The best thing I liked about this Banker turned Author is his marketing skills. This was first time in my life I’ve watched a theoretical trailer of a book.  The cover design of the book is also very appealing.  He has done a great job in mixing philosophy with imagination, just like great Vyas who wrote Mahabharat. Both of them have compiled philosophy and dressed it up with a beautiful story. Wonderful work indeed.

I was wondering when will I be bold enough to take such unconventional decisions. There are so many similarities between Amish and Chetan Bhagat.  Both of them are IIM grads and were bankers. They both quit their jobs to take Writing as a Career. I’m also not much different from them. I’ve got a  B-Tech and an MBA. Similarly I’m also a boring banker who wants to be a writer. When I’ll publish my first book? I’ve no idea. My fantasy of comparing myself with these two great writers came to an end when Arun applied a sudden break.

I had almost pasted my picture alongside them. The reality was so far from that and Arun's sudden stoppage of car in-order to save a street dog crossing had brought me back from my dream land and I could see my picture fading out.

I told Arun that, Amish is an amazing writer who does his research well before he starts his narration unlike his much famous counterpart Chetan Bhagat. Just after reading two books of Amish, I just became his fan and was eagerly waiting for the last and third part of this Shiva Trilogy. Arun asked me why do I think, Chetan, doesn’t do his research well.

I like Chetan for the way he writes. I’ve read all five books he has published till date and also follow him on Twitter. I liked his writing from his first book, “Five Point Someone”. It may be because I could relate myself to the situations his characters got into. I could actually visualize me doing some of those crazy things his 3-idiots did when I was in NIT. I started hating him when I read his latest (“Revolution 2020”). How can he write the story like that? He had taken snap shots from my life and pasted it in his new novel. Protagonist of the novel was behaving like me when I was in such a similar situation. It was not the story of Gopal and Aarati. It is my story. I’ve no idea how he came to know about my autobiography. He had changed my Name to Gopal and her name to Aarati, He had shifted the location to Varanasi. When I read his novel, I almost felt like watching a flashback of my own life. He has the power to make the readers gripped to the story. Once you take his book in your hand you will put it down only once u finish it.

If you like Chetan that much, why do you think that Chetan doesn’t do his research well? Arun shot the most expected question in between my praising for Chetan. I took my bag and pulled out the “Revolution 2020”. I asked him to check out Page No.24. He asked me what the hell; I was doing and asked me to open the book myself, because he was driving. I told him that, as per Chetan Bhagat, the character Aarati wanted to watch SRK’s movie “Main Hoon Na”   and just  after a year in the story Aarati wants to watch “Chak de” (Page No. 87) How can FlyingAarati watch “Chak de” with Raghav just a year after she watched “Mai Hoona Na”? Arun as usual showcased his  memory power in front of me. Some times I feel the character ‘Calendar’ in the movie ‘Dil Chahta Hai’ was inspired from Arun. You are right Vineesh. ‘Chak de’ was release in 10^th August 2007 and ‘Main Hoon Na’ was released in 30^th April 2004.  This is a serious lack of research.

Someone please tell Chetan Bhagat , that there is no NIT in Lucknow (Page No. 31). NIT of Uttar Pradesh is in Allahabad. I fell bad that, I didn’t take up NIT Allahabad’s CSE branch, during my counselling in 2002. He should at least know there is no NIT in Delhi also (Page 164). How can he make such stupid mistakes? Some one need to scream at him that, Indian government is not filled with fools to have a NIT and an IIT in the same city. He claims to have completed his B-Tech from IIT Delhi and still he makes such stupid mistakes. I cannot blame him, because there were instances where people asked me many a times, how much donations I paid to get admission. They really thought that I was a fool and couldn’t get admission even in a private collage in my home town.

We have reached our destination. I had a good discussion about books and literature after a long time. This is where I miss my friend Sak. I really miss someone to discus about new books and literature. Shakuntla come back, to Mumbai. Mumbai rocks and Delhi Sucks, I was mentally fighting with my Delhi Friend and didn’t realize that I was climbing the stairs to the new branch my organization had launched in this small village. Is it just because of RBI guidelines to have branches in rural India, my bank had created one here? What ever may be the reason, I’ve a job to be completed. I’ll finish this first and get away from this deserted place as soon as possible.

This branch was entirely different from what we have in Mumbai. It had no Ac. The branch was filled with primitive people. Have I just reached inside the dense forest of Amazone? When did this kind of people start banking with one of the reputed private bank? I heard one of then fighting with the teller that, he was given fewer amounts than what he received last time. I asked the branch manager what is the issue? He told me that, these people stay in the mountains and are illiterate. They don’t even know how to count the money. Last time when he came, we gave him the instalment for the “Indira Awas Yojana” in the denomination of Rs. 500/- and today we gave him in the denomination of Rs. 1000/-. He is just confused that why the number of currency notes is less this time. I really felt bad for this man. How can some one live in this 20^th century like this?

I really got an inner feeling that; I need to do something for these people. I asked my colleague to carry on with the job for which we are here. I slowly started to understand, what is happening in the lives of these poor people. I needed a translator as these people were only conversing in Marathi. This was not the Mumbaiya Marathi that, I’m used to. It was really difficult for me to understand what they were trying to convey. I came to know that these people don't even have proper clothes to wear or food to eat. There are lot of middle-men operating and the real benefits Government is providing is not reaching these people.  I was furious and wanted to do something for these people.

On my way back to Mumbai, I told, Arun that, I’ll drive. This was a strategic move, I didn’t want to sit in the back seat and think about these people. I was very clear, I had to do something for these people, but had no idea, what to do. I decided to drive so I can concentrate on something else and get out of these troubling thoughts. Oh! God, it was not enough, new trouble is in the corner. When the cop stopped, my car I realized that, I was not carrying my Driving License with me.

I told him, I work for a reputed bank and it was a mistake that I didn’t have my license with me now.  That was the stupidest thing I’ve done that day. He told me that, his EMI cheque for the Housing Loan was bounced by my bank and was charged Rs. 350/- as cheque bounce charge. Now he is demanding me to give him that 350 rupees and can drive back home. I looked at Arun and he told me to go ahead and give the fine. I knew, I was not paying the fine, but bribing the Cop to get out of this shit. When I sat back in the driver’s seat with the seat belt on, I thanked my stars. Even the Atheist in me thanked God for my bank not charging him AQB non-maintained charges. It could have been INR 1000/-

I had a wonderful day outside the noisy and busy Mumbai. It was a very different official trip for me. I learned many things and came to know what is happening in the rural India. I’ve taken a decision to help the underprivileged. Will I really do what I planned today, or will I forget this episode and get busy in my urban life? Only time can give answers for this.  

DOMBIVALI FAST

Strong light beams were blinding my eyes. I could not see anything in front of me. Noise decibels are rising like never before and the girl in her red saree is looking down as if she is a bride. Oh! shit, she is a bride and why the fuck am I dressed like a bridegroom. For heaven sake I’m getting married!!!  I wanted to run away but I was fixed to the platform as if I was a statue stationed there for centuries. I’m trying to keep my hand down which has a nuptial knot. My hands rose to her neck as if it was remotely controlled by someone else. Oh! God save me or it will be game over and suddenly the platform broke and I suddenly started falling down. I woke up from my dream.

Thank God, it was dream, but the fact is that, it is the second time I’m seeing this same dream for last one week. What is wrong?  Am I game for marriage? Is it the God’s way of saying, its time to stop sleeping in different places and different bed?  May be it the effect of my Indian parents!! Indian Parents are the most classical creations of the God who keeps of telling you to Study till u are in school. Once you are out of School and get job they replace Study with Marriage.  I don’t know what to do so I decided to be prepared for the disaster. First thing I need is a place to stay once I get married.

My room mate was very clear that we need to buy a property in Mumbai so that we don’t need to pay the rent. So I also decided to check out few properties available in Mumbai. It was very clear that, it is going to be a tough job to get a decent place with in my budget. Now the plan was to get something outside Mumbai.

My roommate was in his village and I will be bored if I go back to apartment in Lower Parel. So after my office I took a Kalyan Fast from CST. I’ve planned to get down at Dombivali and meet a builder there whom I’ve spoken over phone. This will kill some time and I will not be bored in my residence all alone. It was a wise decision to alight the train from CST, so that I got a place to sit. By the time the train reached Byculla the train became Jam packed. Late Night Chat the previous day helped me to catch a nap in the noisy crowded train.

This late night chat has become a habit these days. She was just a fun friend in the beginning. I never knew when my Fun Buddy will become my F-Buddy. She was not a beauty quean, but was always amazing.  I always enjoyed her company. I ignored my friends for her. She was intelligent and not emotional like all those girly girls whom I’ve been with.  She was a good friend whom I can share anything and everything. She was one of those special friends with whom, I don’t mind shedding my tears. Today I’ll be meeting her again after 4 months. 

I was in deep sleep and the dream happened again and I woke up from my sleep. Were my imaginations going wild or does the bride in my dream had real resemblance to my F-Buddy?  I was sweating in the noisy crowded second class compartment. I could hear people shouting CST, CST. What the fuck is happening? Did I sleep so much that I came back in the same train to CST?  I looked out, and realized the train is moving in the same direction. The train stopped at Mullund station and I could hear, people making some strange comment about taking the chair to home and all. I couldn’t comprehend what they were trying to say and I tried to catch a sleep again.

I got out in Dombivali station and I started looking out for her. I called her and she asked me to come near the ticket counter.  She has gained a few kilos, but still looks stunning. We briefly hugged and moved out. We took a auto and directly went to meet the builder. I could smell her favourite perfume and she looked even more beautiful than last time. The builder gave an offer of 25% black money which will be almost 15  to 20 Lacks.  I almost knew this is not going to happen. I took the palm lets where the artistic view of the building and the garden around it. I loked at the swap land and wondered how it could be like the picture they have depicted in the palm-let.

I was done for the day and wanted to catch the next train and get back to Lower Parel. Then she gave me an offer, which I couldn’t reject. She told me, that we can have dinner and I can stay with her as her room mate is out of station.  After dinner we went to her one bedroom apartment. It clearly suggest that it was a girls apartment. There were colourful lamp shades, wind shields. I could see some pink chart papers stuck to the wall where there was Tom Cruse and Rahul Dravid smiling at me.

I offered to make coffee for her when she went to take bath.  I carefully prepared two cups of coffee and by the time she came out of bathroom with her wet hair. Water droplets were dropping of her wet hair. God has created girls in such a manner that, every moment she looks different and beautiful. We sipped our coffe and talked about many things. She took my coffee mug and went to kitchen to wash them. I double checked my wallet that, I’m not carrying any protection today. I’ve to go to Shabarimala in next 20 days. I’ve to be in my brahmachrya mode. This is becoming real test of my nerves. I told her I’m not well and need to catch some sleep. She took me to the bedroom and made me sleep in the bed. I could feel her hands over my forehead.  How can I sleep with a girl next to me and not do anything. I acted as I slept and was sleepless whole night. I could see her sleeping like a small kid next to me.



I was sleep less for the whole night and took a bath and was ready to go to office. She was still sleeping. I sat next to her looking at her innocent face. I woke her with a soft kiss over her eyelids. I bid good bye to her and told, will make up to the lost night someday.  She gave me a weak smile and pulled me towards her and kissed my nose and said good bye.

I took a fast train to my work place. When I watched, the movie “Wednesdy”, I couldn’t really feel the pain of the protagonist who lost his co-passenger. Today after living in Mumbai for two years I know how important these local trains are. I started talking to a daily traveller in the train and he explained how this train has become the part of his life.  He told me that; there many friends he got in his four hour train journey everyday.  He told me that there were instances, his train mates have planned picnics and shares a good chemistry each other.

As we were talking a guy in his late 20s gave my co passenger a wedding invitation. I was surprised to know that, these guys have nothing in common other than the train they travel. They work in different companies, gets into the train from different stations and get down at different stations. But still they share good relationship. By the time he had distributed at least 20 wedding cards in the compartment. Most astonishing part was that, he went near the ladies compartment and handed over a card to a young lady through the grill.

Now I know why they call, Mumbai local the life line. It is not life line; it is actually life for some people. My newly found friend stood up from his seat and a guy wished him good morning and sat in his place. I was so surprised by his gesture and asked him why he stood up, as it is going to take at least half an hour to reach CST. He told me that it is an unwritten rule in the train to stand up for those who are standing as I was sitting for last 70 -80 mins. Now I know why people were shouting CST in Mulund, while I was sleeping. They were expecting me to stand up for them and was suggesting I was sitting from CST.

It took me some time to understand the Mumbai Lingo, now I’ve to learn the unwritten rules of train travel also. After office that day I went to my home as I was sleepy. I’ve not slept the day before. I quickly went to sleep and as expected I was woken up by the same dream.

I lost my dream and switched on my laptop to check my mails as I’ve not done it for two days.  I saw a mail from my Dombivali friend. I opened it and it was her wedding invitation.

Epilogue:-

The very next day I had a very bad dream. I was attending her marriage and to my surprise; her bridegroom was the same guy who was distributing his Marriage invitation in Dombivali Fast. It was bad, but for the first time in last couple of weeks I had a different dream. 

CHECKMATE

 ROTI, KAPADA AUR SEX - Part 2

“My name is AMRITA and I’m not the one whom you were mentioning.” I know someone named Amrita and I’ve serious doubts you are mentioning about her. Would you like to meet Amrita Didi ?    I couldn’t understand what is happening? All of a sudden where did this Vendor come into picture? How the hell did she knew what I and Shilpa was talking? Was she there all the time and listening to us? I had lot of questions popping up, in my mind, but I didn’t ask her any of them, instead, I asked, where her Amrita Didi, stays. She asked me to accompany her to Charni Road to meet her. Is this a trap?  I have no idea, but I still told her to meet me at Charni Road station in 2 hrs.  I didn’t want to take Shilpa along with me, as I was not sure what was in store for me.

Shilpa came back with a smile, eating her butta and handing over one to me. I paid Amrita and let her go; signalling will meet in 2 hrs. I need to take Shilpa home and come back to meet Amrita. I don’t know what, was that, inspiring me to meet this girl. I heard about Amrita for first time, just an hour before. Till now I’ve not heard a single good thing about her, still I want to meet her.  I stopped a Cab to take Shilpa home and she reminded me, that we have not had dinner yet. I told her, to grab a burger from McD and get back home so that I can go and meet a friend of mine.  She asked whether I was going to meet a female or a male friend. I never hide anything from her, but some how today I told her, I’m going to meet a male friend.

I dropped Shilpa at home and went back to Charni Road station in the same Cab. Amrita, the Vendor was waiting for me in front of the station itself. She asked me to follow her. I didn’t know, south Mumbai had this kind of a places too. She took me through some narrow lanes and started climbing a steep wooden staircase.  I was wondering the strength of the ladder, while I was carefully climbing up. When the door was opened it was full of smoke and it nearly suffocated me. I could see Amrita on the bed with a coffee in her right hand and a burning cigarette in her left hand. She was reading something. She turned her head to look at me, keeping her right hand stable, which held the coffee mug. Her white top had a red flower embroidered over her right chest. She took a quick puff of the cigarette and invited me in. Her white top was long enough to cover her black shorts she was wearing to give an illusion; she was only wearing a top. Her room was looking like a typical boys’ hostel room, which I’m familiar with. Lot of posters were stuck over the wall. Magazines were all around.  She just rolled a heap of undergarments and tops lying on her bed under the bed sheet and made space for me to sit down.

She was behaving as if she was expecting me. I introduced myself and she told me that, Amrita had already called her up and informed about my arrival. By the time Amrita had made tea and served to us, and she went out.  She was not the most beautiful girl I’ve seen till date, but there was something, that was pulling me towards her. We very quickly developed a bond between us.  May be she was the only girl till now; I’ve developed such a bonding so quickly.  I was getting suffocated with the cigarettes she smoked one after the other; I wanted to get out and asked whether she would like to go out for a walk?  She asked me, whether I was taking her, for a date. She was laughing as if she had cracked the best joke of the millennium and went inside and changed to a jeans and     t-shirt and came back in no time. She was definitely different. Unlike all other girls I’ve dated, till now, she dressed so quickly and was not even cared to use any cosmetics. We were out of the room in less than 5 mins. I was walking alongside the marine drive again for the second time today. We talked a lot about many things. She told me, she was going out with a guy named Surender. I was not interested in knowing about him. May be she also guessed it and stopped talking about him.

We had dinner and came back to her room. She insisted me to take a cab back home and she can go back to her room herself. Being a gentleman I insisted, I’ll take her to her room, and will take a cab from there.  I always thought that, Sex and Love are two different things and you can balance both very well if you are smart enough.  I hate girls, because they mix, love and sex together.  This is the point I started liking this girl. Her body language told me, that I can go for the kill. I was always good at reading the body language, when it came to sex.  I always took advantage, of the situation, baring a few instances. There were situations where the girl was willing but wanted me to start and I held my breath, saying nothing doing till the girl says, she wants it. She was special and I wanted nothing to go wrong and I waited and waited for the signal. May be I got the signal and was influenced by some other factors. I still remember those sleepless nights, which proved that, I’m not fully a Dog, there is some humanity left in me.

Today was not such a day and I knew it was going to happen. With in few moments we were together on the bed. My hands were searching for my jeans’ pocket to get the protection before the actual action begins. She was too good and I would never have spoiled the mood by stopping in between.   Next morning I woke up early and I had to get back to my office. I kissed the sleeping beauty and bid good bye to her and went back to my home. I was somehow falling for Amrita and I always made it a point to visit her as many times I could. It was during one of such a surprise visit, I ran into Amrita’s BF, Surender.  I don’t know why, the hell on earth should, I be jealous of him. It was me who is going out with his GF and why the fuck, am I getting jealous of him?  The best thing that happened to me that day was that, he became so friendly with me and it really helped me.  I maintained the friendship and I always had clue, what his schedule was, and always made it a point to visit Amrita, when he was away.

It was one of those beautiful nights, when we were relaxing after our stress releasing exercise, she asked me that girlish question. Taking a puff of her ‘Marlboro-Lights’, she asked what I thought about marriage? A sudden fear ran across my nerves. I’ve faced this question many times in similar situation.  I still cannot find out why girls ask this question just after a good session of sex. I was never expecting this from Amrita. May be there is a girl inside every girl. I was silent, but she was speaking, like she was in a different world. She told, me how she had to surrender to one of the rich guys in her village. How she managed to send her little sister to one of the best school. “My sister still thinks, she was good enough to win the scholarship for free education.” May be she will never know what her elder sister had to go through to earn her that. If u have a drunkard father and a home-maker mom, and you are the only hope for them, then you will have to do all these things.  Her story looked like a screenplay from a B&W  Bollywood movie.  Now I can imagine how she got into the management quota of one of the most reputed institutions in Pune even after coming from a middle class family. Somehow my mind started justifying her for being in many relationships in her student life and making use of them. She knew the art of pulling out heart from body. Somehow I  felt this was happening to me also, but still I was ready to take that pain.

Everything was going very well for few months other than the complaints from, Shilpa and my room mate, that I’m spending less time with them, these days.  It was a lazy Saturday morning and I was sleeping in my apartment and my phone rang. Amrita’s voice neither sounded happy nor confident, as she used to be. I told her, I’ll be at her place in 30 mins. When I reached her place, I found her in the same position as I met her in the first time. I went near her and sat with her. She didn’t care to pull her undergarments and other stuff underneath her bed sheet today. I took her hand and kissed on her palm. Definitely, I would have not done that on a normal situation. Kissing on hands is for good guys and I’m not one.  I held her hands between mine and slowly asked her, what is wrong and she looked at me moved her lips in such a fashion which produced a sound like this. “I’m Pregnant.”

I just became speechless and didn’t know what to be done. I stood up and went out of her house and she didn’t move a bit. She didn’t say anything or tried to stop me from going out. I went out and slowly walked aimlessly and was thinking hard, what has to be done to get out of this problem. I had no idea for how much time I was walking. I felt like I'm loosing all my energy. I just walked through the birds flying away from Marine Drive aimlessly.



May be after couple of hours, I got a call from Surender. He asked me to meet me at Carter Road CCD in an hour. I reached there before time and to my surprise, he was also there before time waiting for me. I could see lot of couples having fun in such a hot afternoon. I felt sad for them. They don't know how troublesome it could be if it goes wrong. They all could be in my situation.



He told me that Amrita is Pregnant and he is really pissed off. He needs my help to get out of it. What the hell is going on? A girl is pregnant and two guys are worried, to add to it, they both are discussing how to get out of the same.  Surender told me that he has to go on an official trip for couple of weeks and need my help to get out of this situation. I told him not to worry and I’ll manage the situation. That evening when I was with Shilpa, I wanted to tell her everything. I don’t like hiding things from her, but somehow I kept it to myself.

When I got inside Amrita’s house, she was cooking her lunch. She was in a much better mood today. Her confidence had come back. That gave me something to cheer about. I asked her, whether it was a false alarm, did her cycle started today or something? She looked at me as if I’ve asked her to calculate the escape velocity of a rocket to move out of the atmosphere to the space. She doesn’t know how badly I wanted her biological cycle to happen again. She told me that, she had confirmed it and she was sure about it. When we were having our lunch, she told me, that she knew a nursing home where we can do the abortion. I felt like she took a gun and shot me on point blank.  I didn’t say anything, not because, I also wanted it to happen, but I had no better idea than that. She asked me to meet her at Charni Road Station, the next day by 10:30 in the morning.

I reached the Charni Road station by 09:45 hrs in the morning and was waiting for Amrita to come. I could have walked to her house as the proposed time was 10:30. I still was waiting for her in the station. When she came I was so confused, to be happy or sad. I was just following her instructions. When I reached the nursing home, I felt so uncomfortable; the same way I felt when I was with Shalini in her last train trip (Unfaithful). The nursing home looked like a typical government hospital I’ve seen in the movies. The nurse who came out informed us that, we can meet the doctor. The lady doctor was in her 40s and was looking at me like, I’m a fugitive on run. She asked me to sign some documents. I glance through the document provided to me. The document stated my consent for abortion to be carried out for my wife. To my surprise the document was prepared on Surender's Name. I never expected, I would be signing legal papers in a doctor's consulting room.

 I was following Amrita’s instruction like a small kid and signed every place she asked me to sign.  I was smart enough to sign as Surender and held Amrita’s hand for a moment kissed her on her forehead and moved out of the room.  When I was moving out of the room, I could hear the Lady Doctor blabbering about generation X's way of life, where they have everything to prevent these things and still they have to do an abortion. I was emotionally so tired to react back. I just went out and sat down in the waiting room.  The waiting room was filled with many pregnant women. They all looked happy and were eagerly waiting for their check-up. I didn’t want to have eye contact with any one of them. I picked up a magazine and started reading.  I had to stop reading that magazine as it was a Maternity magazine and the next magazine I took was also on similar lines.  I was feeling so suffocated by looking at the baby faces posters all over the waiting room.

May be the magazines were not enough; that is why they had those horrifying images of abortion sticked to the wall. I felt very uncomfortable looking at all these things. I felt like I was about to loose my consciousness. I was feeling like a murderer sitting in the waiting room. I never thought I would be instrumental in taking away an unborn life. I just couldn’t sit there comfortably. I was sweating inside an air-conditioned   room. I have already drunk at-least 2-3 glasses of water.  I was feeling so uncomfortable and just went out of the waiting room and was standing in the hot sun and I was not feeling any heat of it.  I just stood in the hot sun like I was lost in a new world.

When Amrita Walked out of the Nursing home, I didn’t know how to react. I took her hands in my hands and walked along with her. We took a taxi to her home.  She said Good-Bye and started walking towards her home. I suddenly stopped her and held her hands. I tried to look away from her eyes and softly asked “Was it mine?” She pulled her hands away from my grasp and asked me, “What do you think?” Before I could say or react anything she started climbing the wooden staircase.