Suicide Silence

“A Suicide consultant’s Dairy”

My heart was beating fast. I’m in a situation where I need to get out of deep shit. I was thinking about a way out and the only way in front of me is very dark. I know there will be light at the end of the tunnel but some how I wish let that light be a train which is destined to smash me down. I actually started thinking about how to commit suicide.  I thought of hanging myself, but I was not ready for the pain. I wanted to end it in a second and just get out of this frustrating world. I don’t want my body to be dirty looking, so I cancelled my plan to jump off the roof or a gun shot. I need to write a suicide note. I need to tell this world how much I loved. How much I cared. How much I missed. I need to tell this world, how much I wanted or may be needed. I also wanted to say that it is all because of my incapability and I’ve no one to blame. I was not there when the time was right. May be everything will turn good in the next life. I cannot take it anymore I actually started searching for a good suicide note sample in google. I was tired and I closed my eyes and I still can remember the internet screen which flashed the meaning of suicide. It was a while ago.

Suicide (Latin suicidium, from sui caedere, "to kill oneself") is the act of intentionally causing one's own death. Suicide is often committed out of despair, the cause of which is attributed to a mental disorder such as depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, alcoholism, or drug abuse.[1] Stress factors such as financial difficulties or troubles with interpersonal relationships often play a significant role.[2]

Over one million people die by suicide every year. The World Health Organization (WHO) estimates that it is the 13th leading cause of death worldwide[3] and the National Safety Council rates it sixth in the United States.[4] It is a leading cause of death among teenagers and adults under 35.[5][6] The rate of suicide is far higher in men than in women, with males worldwide three to four times more likely to kill themselves than females.[7][8] There are an estimated 10 to 20 million non-fatal attempted suicides every year worldwide.[9]

I was not browsing meaning of suicide in the Wikipedia for fun or I want to commit this heinous crime. I was searching for myself. Today I completed perfect five.  Today fifth person in last 2 years have called me just to say He/She is going to commit suicide. Do I look like a suicide consultant or something?  Why the hell do these people call me up when they decide to suicide? I have to do everything to save their lives.  Who am I to save the world? Why am I preventing them from committing suicide? Is it that I love them very much or I just don’t want the cops to trace the last call and come to me?

What ever may be the reason I hate the idea of suicide. It is for the cowards.  These people have no balls to face the world as it is.  They just want to run away from life through a short cut. I hate these people but still it creates a void in your life when they are gone.  They have made a place in my heart already and even the thought of not able to talk to them is killing me. I was confused and worried for the first time and had no idea what to do to stop the suicide. It never got easy even today as I completed my fifth successful suicide prevention. Every time they call me up and say something like this I somehow what to teleport myself near to them.

First call of suicide attempt came from Bangalore. It was very late in the night and I was in Mumbai. I had no idea what to do.  I was worried for my friend. He was drunk to the hell. He had a knife in his hand and he was inside the bathroom. He was crying like a baby. I tried to convince him that, life is not just about a girl. Just having a bad relationship is no reason to end your life. I gave all gyan I could give to him. But it was as if I was speaking to a wall. It all entered a deaf ear. He said he is cutting his hand off. I wanted to tell him, that it is not the way to suicide; you don’t need to cut off your hands. You should better watch some old Hindi movies dude.  I knew it was not time for fun. But it always happens to me, something funny thoughts come to my mind when something serious is happening.

I was in Mumbai and my friend is to commit suicide miles away in Bangalore. I had no option other than to call some other friend of mine in Bangalore. I called up a friend and asked if he knew where our hero resides. Answer was negative.  I had to keep talking to my friends in one phone and restrict him from doing anything foolish with the other phone. I had to find a help for him. I tried few numbers and no one picked up the phone at 2 in the night. Then I had to call her. I knew she will help me. I called her and told her the story.  She called up one of my other friend to help him.

By the time the other phone got disconnected.  What can I do now? I was successful till now because I was talking to him and now the phone is disconnected and I tried calling him multiple times and I had no success.  It was tense moment. I had no idea what is happening miles away in Bangalore.  I kept trying his number and no one picked up the phone.

After 90 minutes I got a call from the friend who went to help him. He told me that my friend is safe and he just dozed off due to the amount of alcohol he had consumed.  He was lying down in the bathroom with a knife in his hand and was totally out. I asked him, how you managed to get inside the house. He jest smiled for my question and told everything is fine and cancelled my call.

Next morning my friend regained his consciousness and called me by 8 O’ Clock and I was very sleepy when he called.  I was happy that he is calling me that he is fine and I’ve managed to save a human life. The call didn’t go the way I expected it to go. He was shouting at me. I asked him to cool down and asked him, what is wrong and he told me that, my friend had broken the French window to get inside his house and the land lady is asking for the replacement and also has asked him to shift his residence.  I’ve saved his life but couldn’t save the roof above his head.

Next call was from my phone friend. We have never met. We always talk to each other on phone only. This kind of relationship was there before also but never lasted this long. She is a 19 year old catholic girl. I don’t know why I talks to her so much. May be it is like people smoking when they wait for someone. I like to talk to her when I’m free. Sometimes she really gets into my nerves and we fight and cancel our call. Things changes with time and we usually start talking again. Things were normal and good till that day when she called me up to say she is going to commit suicide.

She was crying and I had no way to console her. I tried my best and she was going to gulp down the rat poison. I was worried about her call details which police will track and get to me. I was also worried about her family. What will they do to kill rats, if she eats up all the rat poison? I’m sorry my readers, this thing always happens to me. I think too much and loose track of what I’m supposed to concentrate. Her problem is different. She just wanted to suicide just because her mom scolded her for coming late to home.  I tried to convince her that, parents are scolding her for her own benefit. She was not ready to accept what I was telling her. I also told her I knew she will never do anything wrong and her mom will also understand that. I also know where you were and you were talking to me. I’ll come down to your house and will talk to your mom. Now don’t do anything stupid. Before I could complete my sentence her dad came in and she had to cancel the call. 

I was afraid to call her back. I had no idea what is happening at her side.  She didn’t call me the next day also. I was getting restless. I was very sure that the police are on their way to get hold of me and question me. I was mentally preparing statement and was planning what to say to the cops so that I get out of this shit. I took the phone and decided to call her up but was afraid what if she is dead and someone else picks up the phone during her funeral. To my relief she called me up. I wanted to blast at her. Why the hell she didn’t call me for last 24 hrs. Before I could say anything she started shouting at me. She asked me why I didn’t call her. She told me that she wanted to talk to me and she had no balance in her mobile. She kept on speaking for next 20 minutes.  I was not concentrating on what she was speaking. I was happy for the fact that she is alive.

When the third person called me up for her suicide attempt, she was standing over an 11 floor building and was planning to jump of to death. This is very serious. Even if she doesn’t jump, she can fall down accidently and die. She told me she doesn’t want to see the next sunrise. I wanted to tell her to sleep a bit longer and wake up late so she doesn’t have to see the sunrise.  Why the fuck am I thinking all these? She is standing in a dangerous position and I was thinking what if she doesn’t die and her BF will have to marry a handicapped. Let’s hope that she doesn’t become handicapped. As such I don’t like her physical appearance to be my friend’s GF. It will be bad for him if she become handicapped also. Why do these kinds of thoughts always come to me when I’m in a serious situation? I need to save this life. I’m getting expert in this.  I think this is a good career opportunity. I can make a living out of it. I even thought of a tagline for the same.

Oh! God I’m going mad. I told her what ever she feels is not true and your relationship will be good and great. I even told her that she is the best girl in the world and I’m jealous of my friend because he has a GF like her. I suddenly realized that I’m getting bad at telling lies. Will any one who is actually jealous of someone, admit it? I need to brush up my lying skills. I some how told her to get off the terrace and get back home. I talked the whole night with her. She was crying and speaking and I was listening to everything.

Somehow I was successful in saving one more life. I’ve analysed the thinking mentality of any one who need to commit suicide.  They will never ever call me if they really want to commit suicide. It is just that they want to talk. They are just using me to talk? They are calling me because they think I can save them or they just want some fool to listen to them?

 I’ve decided not to be a fool anymore but I cannot hold to the promise I made to myself.  Fourth person who called me up and told she wanted to suicide was someone I ever expected to be.  She was always a brave girl and I admired and respected her for her individuality and personality she displays. I was totally shattered to get this kind of a call from her. I received same kind of call twice in two weeks time from her and it was difficult for me to save this life. I thought I was an expert in this. I never got any funny thoughts when she was talking to me. I was so tensed like never before.  She really took me to the edges. I was never like this before.

I actually could feel the situation she was in. I was having sympathy for all my friends who called me before but in her case it was empathy. I was actually in her shoes and I could feel the pain she was going through. This story will not be completed in two or three paragraphs. I need to go back in history and tell you about who she is and why her call had made me go through a rough phase. I will tell you about it in a different blog. The best part was that I was successful in helping her to be alive. That is how I completed my perfect five.

Things were getting into proper shape. I never felt it will go wrong so badly. Everything I planned went upside down and I had no idea how to get out of this shit. I always felt suicide is for cowards. Then why the fuck I even thought about this option to get out of this troubled life. I’m not a coward; I hate people who commit suicide.  I know all theoretical things but still I don’t want to live in this world anymore. I want to end this stupid life. It is not taking me anywhere.  Time is taking a toll my life. I’m no more interested in life. I don’t even look at those hot pant clad girls in Mumbai. I’ve lost interest in girls too. I think it is serious. I need to die now. If I live more I would be a burden to earth.

I need to be free from all troubles. I want to die. I hope there is no after life.  I want to be pushed to the darkness. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I want to be isolated. Why am I getting all these negative feeling. I don’t know. Only thing I know is I’m fed of this life and want to end it. I need a break. Break from everything.

I took the medicine box of my roommate and took one medicine from every strip and mixed it with the phenol and some Harpic. I have no idea what will be the effect of this. To be on a safer side I also got a coke and a mentos. I mixed everything and made a solution. I drank it bottoms up. I also took the knife along with me, just in case if the drugs couldn’t do the trick. I was feeling dizziness and I slowly went to bed. I’m sure will wake up to a heaven or may be to hell. I hated people who do suicide and now I’m doing the same thing. I lost my consciousness and slowly I slept. I never knew suicide was silent. I could feel the bright light beams getting into my eyes like those supernatural movies I’ve seen. I’m near to death. I tried to smell death. It was cold and I could feel I’m loosing it. I just don’t remember anything after that.

I woke up from my death. Things have not changed much. I’m still in my apartment on the 7^th floor, Lower Parel, Mumbai. I looked back to my bed to see my dead body lying down on my bed. Oh! my God, there is no dead body. What the fuck, I’m still alive? It was paining like hell in my stomach and I had to literally run to toilet. I’ve got a loose motion. This was real shit. Now I know what you should be done if you are suffering from constipation.

I realized the fact that I’m not dead and I’m very much alive. Something interesting is happening to me now. I can listen to what people are thinking. That is a wonderful thing to have. It has its bad effect also. I never knew it till I experienced it myself. I enjoyed this power for 8 days. Those were the most miserable 8 days of my life. Wait for the next blog “A Guy who could hear your Mind” 

Friends please don't take things seriously. It is just a blog. I've used real life incidents, but I've no intentions to hurt anyone of you. I'm still happy that you guys are alive. You still can call me if u feel miserable anytime in future. I wish you never get those feelings again.